The Confused Philosopher!

Inspired by the character played by Don Ferguson on the Royal Canadian Air Farce.  Some interesting things to ponder over.

• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

• If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

• And whose cruel idea was it to put an “S” in the word “Lisp”?

• If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

• If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide… is it considered a hostage situation?

• Is there another word for synonym?

• Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?

• Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

• What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

• If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

• Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will steal the toilet?

• There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy on the streets?

• Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?

• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

• Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

• Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

• Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

• If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

• Why are there D batteries, C batteries, AAA batteries, AA batteries, but no B or single A batteries?

• If an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and a stitch in time saves nine, would surgery cost less if only healthy organs were removed?

• Why does bottled water have an expiry date?

• Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

• Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

• What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

• If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

• Why do feminist book stores not have a humor section?

• Who coined the phrase: ‘To coin a phrase’?

• How come only fat people drink diet cola?

• If you live in China, where’s the Far East?

• Is it possible to rub someone the right way?

• If books get dog-ears, do dogs get book-ears?

• Why is Blue Nun a white wine?

• Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

• If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

• Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

• Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

• Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic’?

• If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

• Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

• Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out’?

• What do people in China call their good plates?

• If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

• Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

• What do you call male ballerinas?

• Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

• If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn’t
  he just buy dinner?

• Why is a person that handles your money called a ‘Broker’?

• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

• If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

• Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

• Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your ass?

• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

• Can you cry under water?

• How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

• If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

• Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

• Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wakeup every two hours?

• If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

• Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

• If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

WTF is with TV

Last week, my wife and I spend a few hours going down memory lane on www.retrojunk.com. It was funny the amount of real TV sit-coms we use to watch when we were growing up. This made me think, when the kids of today or even myself go even ten years or even 20 years in the future what would we have to look back on. The shows today are few and far between, we have far more choices and channels but they all have the same type of shows. Reality TV has taken over every channel. There is always something on just about every channel. No strips, No Actors, Everyone one just getting there 15 to 60 minutes of fame. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind watching a few of these but when I want to watch something that gets me a away from real life, it normally get’s cancelled and replaced with something more real. People love watching real people do stuff. From losing weight, trying to live on an island or even trying to start their future of singing or dancing. All of these types of shows are big hits and probably bring in huge money, but they’re not getting anything from me.