The Confused Philosopher!

Inspired by the character played by Don Ferguson on the Royal Canadian Air Farce.  Some interesting things to ponder over.

• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

• If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

• And whose cruel idea was it to put an “S” in the word “Lisp”?

• If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

• If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide… is it considered a hostage situation?

• Is there another word for synonym?

• Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?

• Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

• What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

• If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

• Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will steal the toilet?

• There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy on the streets?

• Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?

• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

• Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

• Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

• Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

• If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

• Why are there D batteries, C batteries, AAA batteries, AA batteries, but no B or single A batteries?

• If an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and a stitch in time saves nine, would surgery cost less if only healthy organs were removed?

• Why does bottled water have an expiry date?

• Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

• Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

• What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

• If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

• Why do feminist book stores not have a humor section?

• Who coined the phrase: ‘To coin a phrase’?

• How come only fat people drink diet cola?

• If you live in China, where’s the Far East?

• Is it possible to rub someone the right way?

• If books get dog-ears, do dogs get book-ears?

• Why is Blue Nun a white wine?

• Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

• If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

• Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

• Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

• Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic’?

• If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

• Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

• Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out’?

• What do people in China call their good plates?

• If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

• Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

• What do you call male ballerinas?

• Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

• If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn’t
  he just buy dinner?

• Why is a person that handles your money called a ‘Broker’?

• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

• If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

• Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

• Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your ass?

• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

• Can you cry under water?

• How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

• If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

• Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

• Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wakeup every two hours?

• If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

• Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

• If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?